I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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