She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
