I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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