You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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