I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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