Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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