wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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