What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
