It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
