I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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