Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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