I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
