I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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