Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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