I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
