I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
