I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
