When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Drake has all the answers
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
