Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
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You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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