You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
