I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
