smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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