Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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