I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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