Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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