we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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