If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
