My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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