Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
