I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
