I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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