watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
