i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
