I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
