This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
