I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
