News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
