I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
