i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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