His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
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The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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