So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
