There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
