I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
