I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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