Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
