I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
