Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
