His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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