you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
