I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
