We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
