She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
