Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have tasted many bathrooms
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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