mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
