I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I supernannyed him into submission
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize