I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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