Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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