when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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