I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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