my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Rumble strips road head = magical
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
